Grandparents Matter Too: Helping Children Stay Connected After Family Separation
When parents separate, the focus is understandably on the children. But there’s another group who often experience a deep and painful loss that sometimes gets forgotten: grandparents.
At Children First Family Mediation, we regularly hear from grandparents who suddenly find themselves cut off from grandchildren they’ve loved, cared for and supported for years. It’s one of the saddest consequences of family breakdown, and one that’s often avoidable.
Why grandparents are so important
Grandparents often play a unique role in a child’s life. They can provide:
- A safe and familiar place when family life feels uncertain.
- Unconditional love and acceptance.
- Encouragement and praise as children grow and develop.
- Family traditions, stories and a sense of identity.
- Practical support for busy parents.
- A trusted adult who listens without judgement.
For many children, grandparents are among the most stable relationships they have.
A personal reflection, from Sheena
Neither of my own children had the opportunity to know my parents, because they died before they were born. They were incredibly fortunate, however, to have a wonderful relationship with my husband’s father, who became their only grandparent and an important figure throughout their childhood.
Today I’m lucky enough to have three wonderful grandchildren. Like most children, they have busy lives of their own, but they also spend precious time with all of their grandparents. Watching those relationships develop has reminded me just how valuable grandparents can be.
That’s why I find it especially heartbreaking when children lose contact with grandparents following a separation, when this could be prevented.
Sometimes, as conflict develops between parents, battle lines are drawn between two families. Grandparents who were once part of everyday life can suddenly disappear, and children get pulled in to “take sides” or lose contact completely with much-loved grandparents.
Children often don’t understand why this has happened. Some worry they’ve done something wrong. Others quietly grieve the loss of relationships that helped them feel secure.
At Children First Family Mediation, we believe that wherever it is safe and appropriate, children benefit from maintaining meaningful relationships with both sides of their family, including grandparents.
What can grandparents do if they stop seeing their grandchildren?
The first step is usually not a legal one. While emotions may be running high, many families are able to rebuild communication with the right support.
Family mediation can really help
Family mediation provides a calm, neutral environment where family members can begin difficult conversations and focus on what matters most: the children’s wellbeing.
Mediation can help:
- Reduce conflict and misunderstandings.
- Improve communication between family members.
- Help parents consider the wider family relationships that are important to their children.
- Find practical solutions without the stress and expense of court.
- Keep everyone focused on what’s in the child’s best interests.
Many grandparents find that mediation offers a far less confrontational way of rebuilding contact than immediately turning to legal action.
Do grandparents have legal rights in the UK?
One of the most common questions we’re asked is: “Do grandparents have a legal right to see their grandchildren?”
The answer is not automatically. Unlike parents, grandparents don’t have an automatic legal right to spend time with their grandchildren. However, that doesn’t mean there’s no help available. If agreement can’t be reached informally, there are several options.
Mediation usually comes first
Before making an application to the Family Court, most people are expected to attend a Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting (MIAM) with an accredited family mediator. The mediator will explore whether the issues can be resolved without court proceedings. There are limited exemptions, such as cases involving domestic abuse or urgent safeguarding concerns.
| Mediation can be free or subsidised
Have a look at our Costs and Charges page, which sets out the three main ways to fund mediation, including Legal Aid and the Government Voucher Scheme. |
If mediation is unsuccessful
If mediation doesn’t resolve matters, grandparents can ask the Family Court for permission to apply for a Child Arrangements Order (sometimes called “leave to apply”). The court will consider:
- The existing relationship between the grandparent and child.
- Whether continuing that relationship is likely to benefit the child.
- Above all, what’s in the child’s best interests.
In some cases, Cafcass (the Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service) may become involved to provide independent advice to the court about the child’s welfare. These are specialist court social workers whose only interest is what’s best for the children.
Although legal action is sometimes necessary, it’s usually considered a last resort.
The emotional impact of losing contact
Many grandparents describe losing contact with grandchildren as a form of bereavement. They often experience anxiety and sadness, isolation, helplessness, and worry about how the children are coping.
It’s important to remember that you’re not alone. Many families experience these challenges, and support is available.
Where can grandparents find support?
- This is a useful guide which deals with grandparents and divorce in more detail
https://www.ourfamilywizard.co.uk/blog/five-tips-grandparents-during-divorce
- Grandparents Apart UK (GAUK), grandparentsapart.co.uk, based in Scotland but with specialist advice and support for grandparents seeking to maintain relationships with grandchildren.
- National Association of Child Contact Centres (NACCC), naccc.org.uk, information about safe contact arrangements and a network of centres across England and Wales where you can see children if informal arrangements aren’t possible.
- Relate, relate.org.uk, family counselling and relationship support.
A few extra tips for grandparents after separation
1. Stay as neutral as possible
Try not to take sides, even if your instinct is to defend your own son or daughter. Remaining balanced helps children feel secure.
2. Never criticise either parent in front of the children
Children usually love both of their parents. Hearing criticism can leave them feeling caught in the middle.
3. Be a calm and stable presence
Offer reassurance, consistency and somewhere children know they’re always welcome.
4. Listen more than you speak
Give grandchildren a safe, non-judgemental space to talk if they want to. They may simply need someone to listen.
5. Help maintain routines
Practical support, familiar activities and regular contact can all provide reassurance during uncertain times.
| “It helped to have someone come up with practical ideas without emotions getting in the way. Thanks from my children, without your service my boys would not have had contact with their dad. Now we get on a lot better and the boys are much happier.”
— CFFM client |
Finally, we’re here to help
Every family is different. Sometimes a simple conversation can prevent years of unnecessary heartache. Sometimes parents simply need support to understand how important grandparent relationships are for their children.
At Children First Family Mediation, we work with families to reduce conflict, improve communication and keep children’s needs at the centre of every discussion.
If you’re a grandparent who has lost contact with your grandchildren, or you’re a parent trying to find the best way forward after separation, we’re here to help.
