As children get older they want to be involved in big decisions which affect them and when you split up where they will live and how they will see both parents is certainly a big decision.
It is also part of the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child that they are consulted.
We aim to help give children that important voice but not to feel responsible for the final decisions as that might be too overwhelming for them. This is often called “child-inclusive mediation”.
How that works is that the children decide what they want to be fed back to their parents and do not have to explain themselves a lot if they feel uncomfortable.
That might be about big things like when they live with each parent but also other questions like seeing friends, grandparents; family pets etc.
How does it work before we see the children?
Your mediator will discuss this with you at your initial individual meeting(MIAM) and the first mediation session.
We will only go ahead and meet your children if you are both happy that this will help and we then always contact the children themselves (by email, text or phone call) to make sure they are OK to see us and not being pushed into this.
We ask you to sign an agreement that you will not:
- Pressurise them to say what suits you best or
- Ignore or try to change their views.
- Ask them to tell you what they have discussed with the mediator – they may well tell you but it is their private time with a mediator so we ask you to respect this.
Meeting the children
This can either be your main mediator if he or she is trained in child-inclusive mediation or a separate specially trained and accredited mediator who is just there to speak to the children and agree with any feedback for you as parents.
This can be done in our office or remotely via a Zoom video link. (We have also occasionally seen children at school but only if they are comfortable with this and the school can provide a calm confidential room). The key principles are that the children have a safe private space where they can talk freely and do not feel they have to please either parent by taking sides or repeating that parent’s view.
If there is more than one child we usually spend some time with them together and then offer them some time on their own.
In this way, the younger children get support from their brothers or sisters but each has a chance to have their views.
It is pretty informal and most children quickly relax and are keen to chat with us.
If they do not want to say much that is equally OK.
Confidentiality
Children are offered full confidentiality unless they mention anything which might put them at risk when the mediator like any other professional would have to report a safeguarding concern to the local authority children’s services.
Many children like having this chance to talk freely to someone outside the family about all the changes happening around them which they feel they cannot control, especially if they do not have friends whose parents live separately and feel a bit isolated.
At the end of the session, the mediator agrees with them any feedback for you as parents and this is fed into the next mediation session.
This can be:
-
- Nothing at all – some children just want to talk or are wary that what they say might upset one or both of their parents One girl said “My mum and dad hate each other so it is safer to sit tight and say nothing”
- Practical things – “It is too rushed to get to Dad’s on a football night”
- Sensitive things – “ I am not relaxed spending lots of time with mum’s new partner”.
We explain to children that we will do our best to faithfully but sensitively feed back what they have agreed and often we write this down to make sure we get it right.
Be prepared that children may come up with something entirely unexpected – One boy told us he did not like eating the same food every weekend at his grandparents’ home!
Most say they just want their parents to get on better and not be in the middle of conflict.
This feedback is to help you as parents reach an agreement better informed about what your children want – they may have said different things to each of you to please you both.
Usually, we aim to provide this to both of you in a joint mediation session but occasionally children want something specific said to one parent on their own and we will respect that.
It is NOT to be used against one another and never in court proceedings.
When is it useful and when not?
The opportunity to talk to someone outside the family who understands how children can be affected by divorce and separation should always be considered unless:
- Other professionals are working with the family and the child
- You do not agree as parents about us meeting the children
If you are both confident that you have talked with the children about what is happening and they can say freely what they need from each of you then child-inclusive mediation may not be required.
Otherwise, most children will benefit from having an opportunity to meet an independent person to whom they can express their wishes and their feelings without any anxiety or loyalty to you as parents. It can empower them in the process and help at a time when they may feel they have no control over their future.
Talk to your mediator to help you decide.
Some comments from children and parents
“ I thought they would ask me to decide who to live with which would have been hard, but we just talked it through and I realised I could pretty much share my time with both parents”.
“My dad was treating me like a much younger child and I was also missing out on time with my friends – the mediator helped him understand this and that I still loved him loads”.
“I was very wary about the children talking to the mediator as I thought they might have grown distant from me but she was able to help us find ways of getting close to them again”.
“The children came back from seeing the mediator much more relaxed and able to talk to me about their feelings”.
