WHAT DO WE SAY TO THE CHILDREN WHEN WE KNOW WE ARE GOING TO SPLIT UP?

We are writing a short guide on this as we know it is something which bothers lots of parents. We hope this helps or give us a ring or speak to your mediator.

Couple of quick points

There is lots of help and information out there both for you as parents and for older children. We will give you some of the main links below just to save you trawling through the internet
You as the child’s parents are the true “experts” in knowing what will work for your child -all children are different some will want to mull over explanations privately, some will have lost of questions

This is a general guide where both parents love and want the best for their children; if you feel one parent is a risk to the children then you may need different advice from social workers or domestic abuse charities. The NSPCC helpline is a good place to start https://www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/our-services/nspcc-helpline/

Some key principles

Children need lots of reassurance that you separating is not their fault and that you both still love them
Avoid blaming each other – it is very tempting but does not help the children; save those sort of discussions for friends and family
Short and simple is best – for many children the news may be a shock and so they will not easily cope with long complicated explanations . Stick to practical things like who will live where ; what will change, what will stay the same
Not a one off conversation – children will need to feel they can come back and ask questions; also you may not know all that will happen next so may need to just pass on what you do know and come back to more detail later such as exactly where the other parent will be living
Bit obvious but older children will manage more detail than very young children . However do not assume that because a child is older he or she wants to hear all the details as to why you have split up

How children might react

As we said above all children are different and they are often unpredictable.

Some may seem to accept the situation and go back to playing, others may want to know a lot .

Some thoughts which may help

Many younger children want to get their parents back together – this is very natural but can be difficult to hear . You need to be honest that you will be living separately but give lots of reassurance that you both still love them
Some children especially teenagers can be angry and resentful that their “normal” world has been turned upside down
Best to let children show their feelings rather than them bottle them up inside even if this is hard for you to listen to the main message is “Its Ok to be angry or sad”
Children often start with practical questions – will I have to change school, what will happen to the family pets

Some resources

There is a lot out there but it can be confusing – we have tried to point you towards some key sources of help/information but you decide what works of your family

General guides some dealing with different ages

https://www.todaysparent.com/family/kids-and-divorce-an-age-by-age-guide/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/better-divorce/202002/how-tell-your-kids-you-re-getting-separation-or-divorce

http://www.divorceaid.co.uk/child/adult-telling.htm

Moving out

This can be the hardest thing to explain if you are the parent leaving the family home – main message is that you are not leaving the children

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/when-a-parent-moves-out-1_b_3560356

Resources for Children

Some older children may want to get some information for themselves or talk to other children online. It is good to encourage this plus talking to their friends, teachers etc These and the books listed help children feel they are not alone and it is “OK” for parents to split up

https://www.voicesinthemiddle.com/

https://www.childline.org.uk/info-advice/home-families/family-relationships/divorce-separation/

https://shropshire.gov.uk/media/2595/childrens-resources-for-coping-with-divorce-and-separation.pdf

Books for children

http://www.divorceaid.co.uk/books/children.htm